I can't really explain why, but I'm really struggling at the moment... It seems that everyone around me is 'expecting' a baby, and I still have nothing !! There isn't a moment in any day when I don't think about what I no longer have. And I can't tell people about it - I'm meant to be tough and strong - and besides, most people just don't understand.
Sometimes I feel such anger and sadness inside that all I want to do is smash things, or scream at the top of my lungs, or run and run until I'm too tired to think about about my babies. No other pain that I've ever experienced even comes close to this. I wish that this was all just a nasty nightmare, and that I could wake up tomorrow and just be a normal, average person with a family of my own.
Am I ever going to be a mum? Or is it my destiny just to watch it happening to everyone else?
I'm finding myself increasingly thinking about what would have been - how my first angel would have been almost 4 months old now, or that I should be coming up to the 19 week mark for my last angel. I am completely helpless, totally lost, and uncontrollably saddened by what I have lost and what I am missing out on...
I wish that I could feel some hope, I really do !! But right now, I can't even imagine what it would be like to hear my baby's heart beat, or feel those first kicks, or to see a little face... That happens to other people - not me !!
