More Results From Monash IVF

Well the results are in for DH's sperm analysis... and I'm sure he's going to be very happy to hear this his sperm fragmentation is very good, and he has EXCELLENT DNA integrity !!

It's another thing ticked off our list of things we don't need to worry about, and I'm glad that he doesn't have anything wrong with him. But at the same time I feel a little disheartened that the only thing standing in the way of us having a family is ME !! I'm the one who has all the problems and issues, and I'm letting him down...

Daily Vitamins !!

FOR ME -

* Blackmores Conceive Well Gold

* Megafol (5 mg Folate)

* Aspirin (100 mg)

* Vitamin C (250 mg)

* Vitamin B6 (50 mg)

* Vitamin B12 (400 mg)

FOR DH -

* Menevit (male version of Elevit)

* Co Q10 (coenzyme Q10)

* Carnitine

* Vitamin C

Why a Blog?

I know some people are probably wondering why on earth I would start a blog on this... well there are a couple of reasons -

1. To tell the whole story

2. To help out others who are in the same or similar situation

3. To remember my angels, and appreciate when things are going well

4. To eventually be able to post a comment announcing the birth of a healthy baby, and be able to give hope and motivation to others

Testing, Testing and more Testing

Halfway through this month we went to the Monash IVF Clinic on the Gold Coast to have some more tests done on why we were experiencing recurrent miscarriage.

It was so nice to finally have someone who listened to what I was saying, and who took my concerns seriously. I was so sick of everyone telling me that it was all just 'chance'. What are the chances of 4 pregnancy losses?? In a row, with no live births?? I even had a nurse here that tell me that my early losses weren't counted because I didn't need medical attention at the time... Lucky for her I didn't have the energy to give her the mouthful she deserved.

But A/Prof Ong was absolutely fantastic, and he definitely agreed that something was not right, and that it wasn't just the luck of the draw. So we ended up having a series of tests done over the next week, including blood tests (1 vial for hubby, and 15 vials of blood for me). For someone who used to be terrified of needles, it has now become a normal regular occurence.

I also had to have surgery again - a hysteroscopy and my 3rd D&C. But I honestly didn't mind all the testing... because at least something was being done, and I wasn't just sitting back and letting it happen all over again. I would go through the testing again in a heartbeat if it meant a healthy baby.

Before we came back home, we got some of our results back. So far the only thing that has come back is that I carry the Heterozygous C667T MTHFR mutation gene. MTHFR is short for Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase.

MTHFR is a rare genetic defect that can lead to complications in pregnancy, such as chromosomal abnormalities, placental disease, recurrent pregnancy loss, preeclampsia, still births, premature births, and low birth weights. It can also prevent proper implantation of an embryo, and leads to an increased risk of blood clots, heart disease and heart attack, anemia, migraines, and stroke. It is advised that people with this gene take low dose aspirin every day for the rest of their lives.

Many people do not know they have this gene until they have had several unsuccessful pregnancies. The gene causes the body to not be able to effectively metabolise Folic Acid and Vitamin B9 which are essential to the development and health of a fetus.

Folic Acid / Folate is needed to form red blood cells. It is also required in the development of the foetal nervous system, as well as DNA and cell growth. It is important in reducing the risk of neural tube defects such as spina bifida in baby. Pregnant women require increased levels of folate, and my body has not been getting enough (or any at all) due to MTHFR.

I do believe that MTHFR played a big part in all 4 of my losses - it couldn't have happened just by chance. There is no cure for MTHFR - there is only treatment to prevent the conditions associated with it. The Dr at Monash has put me on the following vitamins / medications straight away -

• Folate (5mg - 10 times the usual amount required)
• Low dose aspirin (100 mg - to thin the blood and prevent blood clots)
• Normal prenatal vitamins
  

I was also told that during my next pregnancy I will require -

• 200 mg progesterone twice daily
• 40 mg clexane (heparin - blood thinner) daily injections

I have also been told that I will be considered a high risk pregnancy, and will require care on a weekly basis. Unfortunately I am not able to get that care where I live, so will more then likely have to travel interstate to help get me through to the 2nd trimester.

We are still waiting on the rest of the results to come back...

What Everyone Should Know About Pregnancy Loss

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children.

Don't Say - ''It's God's Will'' - Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking spiritual counselling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them any less terrible.

Don't Say - ''It was for the Best, there was probably something wrong with your baby'' - The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

Don't Say - ''You can always have another one'' - This baby was never disposable. If I had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, ''where's the fork?''. I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

Don't Say -''Be grateful for the children you have'' - If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

Don't Say - ''Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it'' - I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

Don't Say - ''Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?'' - It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

Don't Say - "Now you have an angel watching over you"- I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

Don't Say - ''I understand how you feel'' - Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel.

Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbour or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say ''before the baby died...'' or ''when I was pregnant...'' don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

Don't Say - ''It's not your fault'' - It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

Don't Say -"'Well you weren't sure about this baby anyway'' - I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

Do Say - ''I am so sorry'' - That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it, and it will matter.

Do Say - ''You're going to be wonderful parents some day'' or ''You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you''. We both need to hear that.

Do Say - ''I have lit a candle for your baby'' or ''I have said a prayer for your baby''

Do Send Flowers or a Kind Note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

Don't call more then once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

Do recognise that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

Do recognise that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Do understand if I do not attend baby showers / christenings / birthday parties etc.
And Don't ask why I can't come.

If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it.

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage"is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me awhile to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me...

It doesn't matter if you were 3 weeks along, or 42, a child is still what was lost !

Angel Baby 4 (Due 2nd April 2010)

Conception Date: CD 16 - 10th July 2009
BFP: CD 26 (10 DPO) - 20th July 2009

Left us on the 21st of August 2009 (8 weeks)
D&C on the 5th of September 2009

Well after a few months break, we decided to try again (unofficially) in July 2009. I had been having regular acupuncture, and had increased my vitamins to include 100 mg of baby aspirin and an extra 50 mg of vitamin B6. This was on top of my usual prenatal vitamins. I had also been trying chinese herbs to see if that might make a difference. I had also gone to the extremes of having no caffeine, and on the advice of my acupuncturist even stopped eating or drinking anything that was considered to be cold. Basically the only thing I drank was room temperature filtered water - no coke, no coffee, no tea, no soft drink, and definitely no alcohol. And I gave up my all time favourite food - chocolate !!

We found out on the 20th of July (the day after angel baby # 1 would have been due) that we were expecting again. Straight away we went to the Doctor and I was told to continue the baby aspirin, and to also take 200 mg of progesterone daily.

My husband and I had already had a series of blood tests done for recurrent miscarriage prior to this pregnancy, and everything had come back as being okay. The only thing that was 'borderline' for me was the antinuclear antibodies, which is why the Doctor had suggested baby aspirin and progesterone.

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks 3 days. There was the baby, and it had a heart rate of 115 bpm. The only thing that stood out to me was that it was measuring smaller then it should have been, which is what had happened the first time I was pregnant. I couldn't help but think this was just the beginning of the end... again....

Everything seemed to go fairly well this time round, although I spent the whole pregnancy absolutely paranoid about what would happen. When I got to 10 weeks exactly I had the tiniest amount of hope that I would finally get the baby I had dreamt about. How could it not work? We had done everything right, and we both wanted this so badly !!

But I still had doubt in the back of my mind, and after being fobbed off by several doctors who weren't interested in listening to what I had to say and not taking my fears seriously, I ended going to the A&E section of the public hospital and pretended that I had been having cramping... I was so sick of having to tell my whole history to different doctors and being told basically to 'toughen up'.

At the hospital we waited several hours before going in for our second ultrasound. During the ultrasound I remember my husband thinking that he could see the baby moving, but I knew in my heart that it wásn't... I think I knew straight away that my baby had already died. And our worst fears were confirmed about a minute later when we were told that there was no heart beat, and that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. Our world came crashing down...

I was absolutely devasted, even though I had half expected the news. How could this be happening to us again? I felt terrible, and I felt even worse for DH who took it really badly this time round. How could I have let him down again? This was my responsibility, and I couldn't even give him the family he so desperately wanted. Our dreams were once again shattered. It was different this time round... after the initial sadness I became very emotionless and all I could think was that 'I'm not meant to be a mum'.

I didn't sleep much that night. While DH was asleep in bed, I went through everything pregnancy related that I could find and threw it all in the bin - all my books on fertility and miscarriage, the 'baby development pictures' that were on the fridge, and all of the pregnancy and parenting magazines that I had collected over the last year. And I 'finished' yet another pregnancy diary and put it away where I couldn't see it. I know it was a waste, but I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing anything that reminded me of what I had lost...

I opted for a D&C straight away this time round, as it was hard enough emotionally without having to go through the physical pain all over again. The next morning (the morning of the surgery) I woke up and did my Intelligender Test (the one I'd had stashed away for at least 6 months) while DH was still in bed. The result came up saying BOY...

Fortunately for us we had booked an appointment interstate with an IVF Clinic to have more tests done prior to this pregnancy, and I was relieved that we had not cancelled it. Maybe we had both known deep down that another loss was more then likely on the cards.

I think that one of the saddest parts about our whole journey so far is that I will never again take a BFP seriously. I know that getting pregnant doesn't mean getting a baby. And I know better then to get excited. It's taken away the naive enjoyment I could have experienced. And even though I would never regret any of my babies, I wish I could go back to that first time and get back the excitement and happiness that I had felt...


HCG LEVELS -

12 DPO - 45
17 DPO - 835
25 DPO - 11,300
32 DPO - 35,000
34 DPO - 48,714
38 DPO - 69,390
45 DPO - 105,500 (8 wks 3 days - baby had already left us)

Angel Baby 3 (Due 4th January 2010)

Conception Date: CD 19 - 13th April 2009
BFP: CD 28 (9 DPO) - 22nd April 2009

Left us on the 26th of April 2009 (4 weeks)
Natural Miscarriage (early loss)

This was the first month that I got to try out my new 'Clearblue Ovulation Monitor' that I had ordered online from the UK (not available in Australia). The monitor had cost me almost $200 but I considered the cost to be worthwhile if it meant getting a healthy baby.

The monitor analyses early morning urine, and then measures the estrogen and luteinizing hormone levels so that it can give you two peak fertile days to TTC. This was our 8th month of trying.

And amazingly the monitor worked great, and we got another BFP (2 months in a row). And although I was not feeling optimistic at all about this pregnancy, I was certainly experiencing all of the symptoms even though it was still very early.

But unfortunately, once again we had another early loss. If it had only happened once I would have still thought that we were just unlucky. But 3 losses was more then just bad luck... something had to be wrong !!

I didn't understand how life could be so unfair.. How could this be happening again? I don't smoke, I very rarely drink alcohol, I've stayed fit and healthy, and we had the resources and the love to give our baby everything... so why were we being denied again?

Angel Baby 2 (Due 3rd December 2009)

Conception Date: CD 20 - 12th March 2009
BFP: CD 29 (9 DPO) - 21st March 2009

Left us on the 26th of March 2009 (4 weeks)
Natural Miscarriage (early loss)


March 2009 was our last chance to try and conceive a 2009 baby. It was hard for me to believe that it may not be possible, and I was really struggling with the fact that after 7 months we still didn't have a healthy baby. It wasn't meant to be this hard...

We got our BFP while we were away on holidays, and although we were a little worried we were also excited. We thought that since we'd already experienced one miscarriage that this time around everything would turn out perfectly.

Unfortunately our dreams were shattered again when a few days later it was all over (just past 4 wks). In fact it was all over just the day after we had told our parents the news, and it was hard to have to then take it all back...

The only good thing was that because it was a very early loss, a D&C wasn't required. I know people say that you shouldn't take early losses too hard as they are not a baby... but it was a baby to us !! No matter how long they were here for...

Angel Baby 1 (Due 19th July 2009)

Conception Date: CD 17 - 26th October 2008
BFP: CD 28 (11 DPO) - 6th November 2008





Left us on the 10th of December 2008 (8 weeks 1 day)
Partial Natural Miscarriage, followed by a D&C 14th December 2008

The 6th of November 2008 was one of the happiest days of my life. I woke up and just thought 'I'm going to do a pregnancy test'. I don't know why I thought that, but I just did... And I was so surprised when I saw that second line come up on the test meaning that I was pregnant !!

My husband was away at the time (working), so I didn't have anyone to tell straight away. I was so excited and happy that I was literally shaking... This was only our 2nd month of trying, and I never expected it to work so quickly.

I ended up sending my husband a picture message with a photo of the positive test, but then got impatient and sent a text message saying 'ring me as soon as you can'. So he got the test message first and rang me before he saw the photo. So I told him to get off the phone and check his other messages first and then ring me back.

When he rang back, he was even more excited then I was... he was going to be a dad !! Our dream was coming true... and we made sure to tell our whole family the fantastic news !! Everyone was excited for us !!

At about 6 weeks I started having a small amount of spotting. It was only in the mornings and I wasn't too worried. After all, getting pregnant meant a baby at the end of 9 months... right?!?

After almost of week of this though (at 6 wks 6 days) I started to get a little worried, and ended up going to the hospital. We got to have our first ultrasound, and it was the most amazing experience !! We saw the little flashing dot on the screen that was our baby's heart beat. I had never seen anything like this in my life, and it made me feel confident that everything was going to be okay.

They did tell us though that the baby was measuring 8 days younger then what it should be, and they said I must have had my dates wrong. I knew the dates weren't wrong, but I didn't worry because I thought for sure that measurements could be out without it being a problem.

We also found out at the hospital that my blood type was O Negative (my husband is A Positive), and I had to have an Anti D immunoglobin injection to prevent antibodies developing in my blood stream. Antibodies can build up when the baby and the mother's blood mixes during a threatened miscarriage, a miscarriage, and birth (if they have opposite blood types). Antibodies can then fight what it considers to be 'foreign invaders'(or a baby). Once you have antibodies in your blood stream, there is no way of getting rid of them.

About a week and a half later we found out that our baby was gone... The strange thing was that I knew the baby was gone even before the Doctors confirmed it. I just had a feeling that everything was not okay, and I didn't 'feel' pregnant at all. It's true when they say 'trust your instincts'.

On Saturday, the 13th of December 2008 I ended up going to the hospital and having another scan to see what was going on. They found that the baby was still in there, but obviously with no heartbeat. The lady who did the scan printed out the ultrasound photograph and gave it to me. I remember thinking how unfair it was that my first ever photo to take home was one of my baby when he/she had already passed away, and not one of a healthy baby. It was one of the saddest days of my life. All my hopes and dreams were taken away, and I only felt helpless and empty.

Early Sunday morning I miscarried the majority of the baby naturally (and very painfully), and then after 8 hours at the hospital (staying in the maternity ward) I had my first D&C. It was hard to be in the Maternity Ward without a baby... I could hear other babies crying, and could see pregnant women walking past my room, and right next to my bed was one of those hospital baby cribs... I felt completely numb to everything !! This wasn't meant to happen to me...

Blog Abbreviations

In case you're wondering what some of the abbreviations in my blog actually mean, here they are with their meanings -

BFN - Big Fat Negative (negative pregnancy test)
BFP - Big Fat Postive (positive pregnancy test)
D&C - Dilatation and Curettage (surgery to remove the 'products of conception')
DH - Dear Husband
DPO - Days Post / Past Ovulation
EDD - Estimated Due Date
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
TTC - Trying to Conceive