Another 'dream' becomes Reality

I use the term 'dream' very loosely, because I'd say it's actually a nightmare...

But I had a 'dream' last night that my baby had died (again), and it's something I couldn't ignore considering that I've plenty of these 'dreams' before and they've all come true.

And once again, it has come true... I rang the hospital for my blood results from yesterday (they certainly weren't going to ring me) and the results are in.

My Bhcg levels were 311 @ 4 weeks and 2 days. And I was told by the midwife who gave me the results that it is consistent with an embryo / baby that is about 2-3 weeks gestation... so once again I have a bub that is not developing.

And even though I expected this (how can I expect anything but bad news) I am still very upset, and more then that I'm extremely angry !! There are so many people out there who don't want kids or who treat their kids terribly and yet they seem to be able to pop them out whenever they feel like it.

I want this so badly, and yet again my dream of having a family has been taken away !!

I'm at a complete loss as to why this has happened to me again. I've been through the 'testing' process (blood tests, surgeries, etc) so many times now and every time they find something that may be causing my babies to die. And then each time I try something different and new, and each time (no matter what I do) they are taken away from me !!

I'm guessing that maybe I need to just accept the fact that this is never going to happen for me, that I'm meant to sit back and watch everyone else have their babies without ever having one myself.

Each time I go through the morning sickness, the weight gain, the acne, the nausea, the having to eat and do and drink all the right things, the mood swings, the thinking ahead to what my future would be like with a bub of my own... and each time I get nothing at the end of it all except more sadness, more grief, less optimism, and less faith that good things happen to good people.

I'm watching everyone else getting their first scan photos back, finding out the sex of their babies, and then meeting their litle ones... and each and every day the only thing I see for myself is my 5 angels who I just couldn't keep on this Earth !!