For All My Angels !!

You never said "I'm leaving"

You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it

And only God knew why

A million times I needed you

A million times I cried

If love alone could have saved you

You never would have died

It broke my heart to lose you

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you

The day God took you home

(Author Not Known)

We had wanted you for so very long

Or so it must have seemed at times

Now we know we'll have forever

To keep you in our minds

On that joyful day when we learned

That you were on your way

We opened our home and hearts

And planned for a permanent stay

We never saw your smile

We never held your hand

You never had your birthday

How can we understand?

To hear your laugh, to dry your tear

To share your life each day

To see the wonder in your eyes

As you find your rightful way

We're told we should forget you

"You'll have another some day"

Don't they see the pain we feel

Is bruised by what they say?

We never saw your smile

We never held your hand

You never had your birthday

Some day we'll understand

(written by a dad for his 'little one')

Bleeding and Cramps...

Thankyou to all my friends on M&B who have supported me the last couple of weeks, and who were all so great about staying positive for my sake...

But unfortunately today was the beginning of the end for my precious baby # 5. I got home from work and have now started bleeding and having painful cramps. So going by experience (which I have plenty of now) I would say that I will more then likely miscarry tonight or tomorrow morning and have to spend some more time in a hospital.

Ironically I lost my first bub exactly one year ago yesterday. Seems one year on and I'm still no further ahead then I was back then !! And I know that while I'm in the hospital some time in the next few days, one of my friends will be in the same hospital delivering her healthy baby boy...

How am I ever supposed to have hope when I keep going through this over and over and over again?!? I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is one dream that will probably never come true, and there's absolutely nothing in this world that I can do about it !!

First Trimester Statistics

16 DPO - 4 Weeks & 2 Days - 311
22 DPO - 5 Weeks & 1 Day - 3360
27 DPO - 5 Weeks & 6 Days - 18205
31 DPO - 6 Weeks & 3 Days - 120 bpm - CRL 5 mm
35 DPO - 7 Weeks & 0 Days - 142 bpm - CRL 12.1 mm
43 DPO - 8 Weeks & 1 Day - 176 bpm - CRL ???
67 DPO - 11 Weeks & 4 Days - CRL 55 mm
Next scan - 6th January 2010

(keep growing baby xx)

Another 'dream' becomes Reality

I use the term 'dream' very loosely, because I'd say it's actually a nightmare...

But I had a 'dream' last night that my baby had died (again), and it's something I couldn't ignore considering that I've plenty of these 'dreams' before and they've all come true.

And once again, it has come true... I rang the hospital for my blood results from yesterday (they certainly weren't going to ring me) and the results are in.

My Bhcg levels were 311 @ 4 weeks and 2 days. And I was told by the midwife who gave me the results that it is consistent with an embryo / baby that is about 2-3 weeks gestation... so once again I have a bub that is not developing.

And even though I expected this (how can I expect anything but bad news) I am still very upset, and more then that I'm extremely angry !! There are so many people out there who don't want kids or who treat their kids terribly and yet they seem to be able to pop them out whenever they feel like it.

I want this so badly, and yet again my dream of having a family has been taken away !!

I'm at a complete loss as to why this has happened to me again. I've been through the 'testing' process (blood tests, surgeries, etc) so many times now and every time they find something that may be causing my babies to die. And then each time I try something different and new, and each time (no matter what I do) they are taken away from me !!

I'm guessing that maybe I need to just accept the fact that this is never going to happen for me, that I'm meant to sit back and watch everyone else have their babies without ever having one myself.

Each time I go through the morning sickness, the weight gain, the acne, the nausea, the having to eat and do and drink all the right things, the mood swings, the thinking ahead to what my future would be like with a bub of my own... and each time I get nothing at the end of it all except more sadness, more grief, less optimism, and less faith that good things happen to good people.

I'm watching everyone else getting their first scan photos back, finding out the sex of their babies, and then meeting their litle ones... and each and every day the only thing I see for myself is my 5 angels who I just couldn't keep on this Earth !!

Waiting for the Inevitable

On Tuesday, 1st of December 2009 I found out that I was pregnant again. I was completely shocked and stunned, considering that we had been actively avoiding another pregnancy. Turns out I ovulated 4 days early, and by some miracle baby # 5 was conceived. EDD 10/Aug/2010.

I should be excited right?!? Well I'm actually feeling nothing at all at the moment.

I had my first appointment with the specialist today. He did a scan and found nothing, even though by now the sac should have been visible. So I'm mentally preparing myself for the inevitable. I think I've been prepared for this though since the second I found out that I was pregnant again...

That sinking, hopeless feeling inside that nothing I do will make everything work out the way I want it to. That no matter how strict I am with my diet, and my vitamins, and everything else my babies just can't survive.

And the Dr didn't say anything about the scan to me afterwards, but I'm used to that as well... they just don't know how to tell me that my baby isn't going to be 'viable'. I don't blame them though - imagine having to tell someone who's already lost 4 babies that the 5th isn't going to survive?!?

I was more then a little annoyed though that he refused to take into consideration the recommendations that the Dr from Monash IVF made about my pregnancy care. He had suggested in his referral that I be put straight onto 400 mg of progesterone daily, but this new Dr refused to do it saying that he'd rather wait for the blood results to come through before making that decision.

For crying out loud, I've been through this 4 times already and I've had more tests and poking and prodding then anyone should have to endure. This is not the time to be 'experimenting' - I need to try everything that's available to see what works. And I think that a Professor at one of the best IVF clinics in Australia would know what he's talking about... but it seems to make no difference here - I have to start from scratch all over again !!

Struggling...

I can't really explain why, but I'm really struggling at the moment... It seems that everyone around me is 'expecting' a baby, and I still have nothing !! There isn't a moment in any day when I don't think about what I no longer have. And I can't tell people about it - I'm meant to be tough and strong - and besides, most people just don't understand.

Sometimes I feel such anger and sadness inside that all I want to do is smash things, or scream at the top of my lungs, or run and run until I'm too tired to think about about my babies. No other pain that I've ever experienced even comes close to this. I wish that this was all just a nasty nightmare, and that I could wake up tomorrow and just be a normal, average person with a family of my own.

Am I ever going to be a mum? Or is it my destiny just to watch it happening to everyone else?

I'm finding myself increasingly thinking about what would have been - how my first angel would have been almost 4 months old now, or that I should be coming up to the 19 week mark for my last angel. I am completely helpless, totally lost, and uncontrollably saddened by what I have lost and what I am missing out on...

I wish that I could feel some hope, I really do !! But right now, I can't even imagine what it would be like to hear my baby's heart beat, or feel those first kicks, or to see a little face... That happens to other people - not me !!