Scared, Worried and Extremely Anxious

Okay, so I know a lot of people out there are probably going to get frustrated and angry with me for what I'm about to say... I'm really scared that this baby isn't going to make it just like all the others !! :o(

I know that only 4 days ago my little 'bean' was just perfect, and that really should be putting my mind at ease. But it's just not... I'm now in that 'time' of a pregnancy when I get bad news, when I have a scan and they tell me that there is no heart beat. And I just can't stop thinking about it - 24/7. The worry and the stress even sometimes stop me from getting to sleep at night, even though I'm sooo tired. And yes I know that exhaustion and being tired is a pregnancy symptom. I know the symptoms like the back of my hand, and I've probably done more 'research' on it then most people I know.

I'm supposed to have another ultrasound on Wednesday, but I don't think that I can hold out that long. The Dr had me double booked anyway because it's just a simple scan, so I'm going to try and get in tomorrow. I'm going to be / should be 9 weeks tomorrow but I just don't know how this little one is going right now... and it's the waiting and not knowing that is adding to the stress.

And I know I'm probably being negative at the moment... but that's how I feel !! I know people are just looking out for me when they tell me to stay positive and that everything's going to be alright. But nobody knows that for sure !! And when I voice my concerns I'm saying them because that's how I feel at the time, and I have to be able to tell 'someone'.

I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to tell me it's going to be okay. Sometimes I just have to get these things off my chest and to say them aloud so I can start to feel a little better. I don't want to feel like I 'have' to be positive all the time, or pretend that I'm 'not' having a difficult time.

I am so very scared of what I'm going to see or not see this week at my next scan. If things are still going well, then this will be the furtherest we've ever come and I just 'might' be able to picture a future in which I do get to become a mum. But the other 'more common' result is one that I can't bear to even imagine going through again.

All I can do is wait now...